Honestly, I don’t know how people do it. When I was younger it all seemed so simple, drawing was easy and fun. The two go hand in hand, if you find something fun, usually you’ll find it easy. But somewhere along the way in trying (and failing) to make a career from the one thing that defined you, has meant that you lost it all. Forcing and instilling a sense of worth from a “talent” that you once had drains any joy that was once held within it.
Hindsight is a weird thing. And as artists, we do it constantly. Every time you create something, you can guarantee that when you look at it again, you’ll find all the errors that you couldn’t see before. What makes it strange is that we rarely look back and see something new that we liked about the piece- except when we’ve gotten rusty. And that’s what I am at the moment. Rusty. Like an old nail. Looking back at my old work fills me with contradictions, I see bits I hate and bits I love that I long to be able to recreate.
Earlier I mentioned that I failed to make a career in art, and perhaps I was a little harsh with myself. Looking back, I don’t know if I tried properly. I remember giving it my all at the time, but it fizzled out when I got more responsibilities. But if I was really trying, would having those responsibilities have stopped me? After all, it should be possible as people in the same position as me have made it, so they must have put a lot more work into it than me. I’ve settled with a “normal” 9-5 job and that’s enough to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head. I’m grateful for that at least, in times like these I’m incredibly privileged to be able to say that. And yet, as I am greedy, I still want more. I want to be creatively fulfilled. Again in hindsight, was I ever creatively fulfilled? Or am I just looking through rose-tinted glasses? I never pursued one craft or art style further than being mediocre, and yet I am still able to look back and find things I like. It is almost like that saying- trying to have your cake and eat it. I need to have a job to live, but having a job leaves me so tired that I can’t do anything creative. I am in awe of how people manage to hold down a full-time job while working on their art to form their artistic careers. TLDR I can’t tell if I’m just lazy or playing on hard mode, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find out.
There are many reasons why I go so long without posting anything, and if I’m being honest, some of them are excuses. But no matter what it is, there is some validity to it. Working makes me tired, which means I don’t draw very often. Which in turn, makes me worse, or at least stops me from improving. And coming a full circle, you don’t tend to enjoy something, you’re not good at. And not being good at it, lessens your self-worth because of the self-imposed standards you’re setting yourself. And that makes you not want to draw either, the final nail in the coffin.
All of this sounds pessimistic because it is. But rather than just writing a big boo-hoo post, I want to finish on something hopeful that might help anyone feeling the same way. Staying away from social media has helped. Just drawing for the sake of it, and not any purpose other than to feel good is difficult. Having said this, it’s getting easier and it is at least removing that pressure to perform as one of the reasons to not draw. Obviously, if it’s your main source of income, a different solution might be better, but if you’re like me and just want it to be a hobby again, it’s worth a try.
And the other thing is sketchbooks. I know it’s a revolutionary idea, or maybe not. In this age of digital art, I found myself losing touch with what got me into art in the first place- a pencil and paper. Going back to basics and doodling helps because it takes little to no energy and makes you feel better since you feel like you’re doing something. After all, something is better than nothing and trying will not make you worse.
Anyway, I’m not sure what the point of this post is but I felt like writing something and I feel better for it. If anyone does happen to read this, and also happens to have any tips for overcoming this sort of thing, it would be nice to hear your suggestions. Or even if you don’t, it would be nice to know I’m not alone in this feeling.
If you got to the end, thanks for taking the time to read this 🙂
Katie Joice 
Oh man, I stumbled across this site completely by accident and it feels like getting to an awesome party just as it’s winding down. I absolutely adore your comic style and can’t get over how cute Tully the sloth is in your Lottie Leigh comics.
I don’t think there’s anything you’ve described that isn’t something that most people feel at some point or another. It’s very normal to look at your previous self with a hypercritical eye. It’s very normal to put passion plans on the back burner because you enjoy having a steady income. And short of marrying rich or winning the lottery, you’re going to struggle to find time for all the things you want to do.
There is also an element of choosing whether you want to be as successful as possible, or as happy as possible. You mention being in awe of people who work a full day and then come home and put another full day’s work into their passion project – for that to work indefinitely, I think you either have to have a pathological need for external validation, or you need to have a one-in-a-million passion for it where it’s almost your singular reason for existing. I think the way that the rest of us have to do it is by making small bets with ourselves and progressing incrementally – if we try the all-in approach, we just burnout and make ourselves miserable.
That said, I think you’re very talented and I really enjoy your style(s). If you end up having another crack at art as a career, I’d suggest you have a think about how broad your definition of success is as there may be things you’ve not considered. E.g. if your route is being internet-popular, are you marketing yourself across reddit, Facebook etc.? I love the style of the Lottie comics but the subject matter is really heavy for a general audience. If you’re trying to get by selling art directly, are you going to craft fairs and trying to sell prints? If you’re trying to make it as an illustrator, are you looking for an agent and/or approaching publishers? Is teaching an option?
Anyway – I selfishly hope you pick up your (digital) brushes again – even if it’s just once in a blue moon.
LikeLike